The Mountain

The ocean is on the other side of this mountain. There is nothing majestic about this mountain. It’s just annoying. And tall. And steep. And I have to climb it. I hate every single car that has passed me, even the friendly looking, stereotypical looking, VW bus full of hippies who were going thee miles per hour because they were stoned out of their mind. They even offered me a lift but there was no room except on the roof and the way that bus was swinging around I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I imagine that with a car this drive is lovely. The slow build up the mountain. Then the thrill of the crest and the windy road down to the sea. Walking, there is no build because there is no perspective. All I have are the trees along the side of the road to measure my progress. Can’t see the forest. Can’t see much of anything except my feet right now and some gravel. I feel very exposed out here. The cars come by quickly. They’re overcompensating for the hill. The road winds up a sort of valley. It’s too steep to get far from the road on any side. You got to walk / that lonesome valley / you got to walk / it by yourself. When I began this climb I imagined there would be just me and the mountain. That’s how it is in the books. Momentous struggles contract the world till it holds just you and the other. I keep flitting about. I latch onto a passing bird till it passes out of sight. I wonder what’s behind that crooked tree. I peer into every car. I do everything possible to make the mountain disappear. I’ve thought about turning around and giving up on seeing the ocean. I just spend time by a lake. The ocean might be bigger but that’s merely a mater of degree, not a fundamental difference. I think about everything I could be doing instead of climbing this damn mountain. I am starting to enjoy hating this mountain. It’s giving me something to do. The worst part is that I don’t care about the top. I can understand climbing a mountain to get to the top. But it’s not a pilgrimage for me. I just want to get to the other side. If there was a tunnel I could take right through the belly of this thing as if it wasn’t there I totally would. Not to spite it but because I just don’t care. And I’m going to not care the whole rest of the day as I trudge up this fucking mountain. This mountain is giving me way too much time to think.

I sat down. Not in the middle of the road, under a tree, a pathetic shrub of a tree. I couldn’t keep climbing the mountain like this. I’ve never felt anything like this. Everyone thinks they’ve had overwhelming feelings. Especially in college. Especially around finals. But everywhere really. I’m guilty too. I’ve always wanted to be overwhelmed by emotion. I played at it even. I tried to will myself over the edge. I’d be the sensitive one, instead of just another callused pleb. At least then there would be a reason, an explanation, an excuse? I spent hours on the internet looking for possible mental syndromes I might have. I’ve been close collapse. Actually I often feel I’m in a state of almost panic. Despite my sincere desire to let go and fall into chaos I always managed to pull through. Till now. I honestly can’t climb anymore. It’s the type of thing of which I’d think to myself “That would make a good story.” It is a good story: a spiritual climb. I should have picked a better tree if that’s the case, like the one in back of the library in college. I liked that tree. This is different of course. The cars are still zooming by. I don’t think they even see me. I’m too low to the ground and probably blend in. I still feel exposed though. I’m right next to the road. I feel each car. The wind hits me. I wish I had learned to do the full lotus. The ground isn’t flat so I’m half sitting half leaning trying not to loose perch on this loose stony dirt. I have to concentrate to not slip. I’m breathing deeply and slowly. I think that’s what you’re supposed to do. I had my eyes closed. I thought that would help. But now they’re open. I want to close them, so I won’t flinch every time a car comes by. I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen now. I guess I’m waiting for it to all pass so I can go on. Maybe I’m supposed to fight back and overcome it and force myself up this stupid mountain. That would make sense if I were afraid. I feel more like I’m supposed to be here right now. I could just keep walking. But I don’t want to break the moment. I want to enjoy it like hot sauce, especially that cheap kind they have at take out Thai restaurants. The food might have been nothing but oil and MSG but that burning sensation made it all worth it. This isn’t burning.

This is just sitting. “Nothing to be done.” I’m halfway up a mountain. It’s cold but I’m going to pretend that doesn’t matter. I’m smiling. I’m forcing myself to smile and enjoy this. Well? shall we go? / Yes, let’s go. / They do not move. “You’re so lonely I don’t know what you want.” A girl said that to me once. I have no idea what she meant. Sometimes I wonder about it for a while. It sounds right but it doesn’t mean anything, at least not to me. I don’t think she knew what she meant. I’ve been carrying it around with me because maybe it’s important, but I doubt it.

The rest of the walk up the mountain is easy. I don’t even stop at the top. I’m making good time down the other side. I think there’s another, smaller, mountain ahead before I make it to the ocean. I won’t make it there today, it’s already getting dark.

I took a trip up the mountain today
my friend has a one room cabin there
We didn’t stay long -- just dropped some stuff off
and then drove back down

We were back in the city
amongst awkward out of place houses
And the mountain stared at me
from every patch of dirt and every weed

The pavement felt like a thin rug
thrown hastily over the earth
My mind rejected the sight of civilization
the way the body rejects foreign cells

The feeling wore off after a few hours
as my sense came down from the mountain

Walking down is more tiring. It’s tough on your knees. Because it’s downhill you come down hard with each step. You have to brace yourself. You have to fight gravity. Ironic isn’t it. Fucking ironic. Makes me angry. The cars now are going even faster. They’re not paying attention to anything. It was all over at the top for them. I’m not going to make it to the ocean today. That makes me angry too. Everything makes me angry right now: this dusty road, those sad half dead trees, that dark blue SUV that probably thinks I’m a total looser for walking out here. I’m kicking loose rocks and walking closer to the road than I should. I stop and look back up the mountain and wonder what the hell is going on with me. Hopefully I’ll figure it all out when I get to the ocean. I doubt it but that’s ok. It’s still a nice thought for now.

I wanna walk up the side of a mountain
I wanna walk down the other side of the mountain
I wanna swim in the river and lie in the sun
I wanna try to be nice to everyone

I have that song stuck in my head now. There’s no river her though and the sun is already on it’s way down. I have it stuck in my head even though it’s not really how I feel, but I’m singing it out loud at the top of my lungs anyway because what the hell why not. It’s probably not a good idea to walk this close to the road now that it’s getting dark but even this far down the road is still carved precariously through a valley so there’s not much room to the side of the road. I could scramble up and find a place to stop and rest and sleep but I want to keep walking. My legs hurt from walking downhill. My shoulders hurt from carrying the backpack uphill. My stomach hurts because I didn’t stop and eat. I’m still walking. I’m thinking about what happened today, trying to think what I’ll tell people about it.

I’m stumbling now, shuffling my feet, walking only to stave off the effort of bedding down for the night. Fuck it. I’m done. It doesn’t take long for me to make a makeshift bed. I’m good at it by now, a seasoned traveler. I have a little bit of food left but I’d rather go to sleep hungry. I’ll be asleep soon so it doesn’t matter anyway. The mandarin orange and bread will taste better in the morning when I’m really hungry. Today was a good day, even if I don’t really know what happened today and probably never will. I know it has something to do with what happened college. I thought that was behind me. I thought it was a one time thing. I guess these are extreme circumstances. That’s probably why it came back. I’m too tired and too cold and too worn out to worry about it right now. I’ve never pushed myself this hard physically before. It feels great.